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My husband is so defensive after I caught him cheating, now what?

I often hear from wives having trouble noticing their husband’s bizarre or troublesome behavior after his infidelity or affair. A common example of this is defensiveness. Many wives notice that their husband becomes particularly defensive at any question, comment, or comment.

I recently heard from a wife who said, “No matter what I say to my husband, I always get a very defensive comment. I don’t always accuse him or even talk about cheating or affair half the time, but I still get the same response.” It’s like he’s constantly expecting me to attack or criticize him. I’m not going to deny that I’m angry and disappointed in him. But what are you waiting for? He cheated on me and had an affair. Of course. I’m going to have questions and a few words from anger. I feel like I deserve it. But it’s not like I’m constantly harping about it. This doesn’t matter though. No matter what I say, how I say it, or what we’re talking about, I’ll get a defensive response. Why? what is this and what can I do about it I will try to discuss these questions and concerns in the following article.

Reasons why husbands get defensive after being caught cheating or having an affair: As you can imagine, there are many reasons why men may feel or act defensive after cheating or having an affair. He probably knows full well that you’re disappointed and angry with him, so the attitude and defensiveness you’re seeing right now is almost a pre-emptive strike against that. Sometimes you will feel that if he can hit first with the wall he has built around himself, he will not feel his disappointment, pain and anger so deeply.

Another reason you may feel or see yourself defensive is that you feel you need to justify your behavior, even to yourself. So he’s always waiting and ready to tell himself (or you) that he had his reasons for acting the way he did. Sometimes this is a reaction to his feeling of guilt and shame for what he has done, so he tries to counter this by becoming defensive.

Finally, I sometimes have men tell me that they constantly feel attacked by their wives for the affair. Whether this is true or not, sometimes when men feel attacked, they hit back in their own way, and this is often with the defenses they have been rehearsing in their own heads. In short, this is a way for them to feel better about themselves when they know that they have really hurt you and made a big mistake.

What you can do when your husband is overly defensive after he cheats on you or has an affair: First, you have to understand that it is human nature to want to defend yourself when you think you are being made out to be the only bad guy in a situation. That said, I certainly don’t want to imply that you’re at fault anyway because you’re not. Your husband is the one who made the decision to cheat on you. However, if his attitude is hurting or frustrating you even more, it may be time to have an open and honest conversation about it.

This is just one example. The next time you notice that your husband’s defensive behavior is driving a wedge between you or making the situation worse, you might consider saying something like, “I can’t help but notice that your responses and reactions to me have been very defensive lately. I understand. that you may feel like you want to defend yourself or explain yourself. But constantly staying defensive and refusing to open up really doesn’t do us any good or improve our marriage. I can’t help but have questions and be disappointed or angry, but I’ll try to make my comments sound less like personal attacks and more like legitimate concerns too defensive for both of us to back off and start over because we are both going to have to work together and tear down our defenses, accusations and hurtful interdictions actions if we can save our marriage and move on. And believe it or not, that’s really what I want to do, I want us to heal and move on, but In order to do so, I need to be able to understand what caused this, how you feel right now, and what you can do to prevent this from happening in the future. On that note, I need you to be open and honest with me instead of being defensive. So can we agree to approach this differently from now on?”

See I tried to keep things positive and to the point? It is important to emphasize what you really want. Because if you can both focus on saving the marriage and moving on, hopefully you can divert attention from the negative things that are going on, like defensiveness and accusations.

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