I recently received a somewhat heartbreaking email from a wife who told me her marriage was over and it was all her fault. She had cheated on her husband, very briefly, with her boss. She said that she didn’t really know what she was thinking at the time. She had always been relatively happy in her marriage, but she never really thought that her actions would come back to haunt her. She honestly believed that she would not change things in her marriage because she was sure that her husband would not find out about her.

However, the wife of her bosses had found out about the matter and immediately called this woman’s husband, who, of course, was beyond devastated and furious. Although the wife tried to explain that she still loved her husband and wanted to save the marriage, her husband was not receptive. This was a deal breaker for him and he left home a few days later. At the time, she didn’t know when or if he was going to file for divorce. But she knew for sure that she wanted her husband and her marriage back, but she didn’t know how to do it. Every time she tried to initiate contact with her husband, he only got angrier with her. He asked me what was the best course of action for him to take. I will share what I told you in the following article.

Understanding why she cheated and what it meant for the marriage: Before the wife took any action, he wanted her to fully and deeply examine what led to her infidelity. I know that she insisted (and still felt) that there was really nothing wrong with her marriage and that she was “caught up” in the excitement of a business trip. But honestly, happily married women don’t normally cheat out of the blue. I felt very sure that there were some issues that she didn’t want or couldn’t see.

When I asked him to describe what he saw in his boss, he grudgingly told me that he was “strong, exciting, powerful and in control.” I asked her if these were qualities that she perceived her husband was lacking and, after a while, she had to admit to me that maybe she was right. After many back-and-forth conversations, the wife finally revealed that she was able to do a lot of “exciting” and “important” things at work and that the quiet life at home sometimes seemed predictable and boring by comparison.

This was a breakthrough and it was important because she needed to look at this honestly to determine if she was going to be able to add some excitement to her married life to receive this kind of fulfillment at home. I felt that this was vital. It wasn’t fair at all to ask her husband to try one more time if she was only going to cheat on him again or feel dissatisfied in the future. She needed to be clear on how, and if, she could fix this before dragging her husband back into this, since none of this was her fault.

The wife was very candid and convincing that she was willing to do “whatever it takes” to make their marriage strong again. And she assured me that, with some work, she couldn’t see any reason why she couldn’t see her husband as strong and determined and exciting. She was also willing to get another job, which I felt was vital. It wasn’t fair to ask the husband to tolerate the wife seeing the man she cheated with every day.

Getting a husband to believe that you are truly sorry for cheating and would never do it again: At this point, the husband would just get angry and walk away whenever the wife tried to reach out to him or reach out to him. I told him it was vital that he be patient. It was important that she could see this from her husband’s perspective. I asked him to imagine if he was the one cheating on her. Would she be able to forgive and move on a few weeks later? Of course she wouldn’t. However, this was the very request that she was making.

I told her that the next time she talked to her husband, she should tell him that I understood and that he deserved his reluctance and that I was not going to force him at this point because I understood that he needed time and space. However, there was nothing wrong with making it clear what was in her heart: that she was willing to do whatever it took to make this right and that he and marriage were the most important things to her and that she was going to work tirelessly. to restore trust.

It was unrealistic to think that he was going to accept this right away. It was just going to take some time. Her true goal should have been to hold on and show him that she was sincere with her patience and her presence. Because in time, hopefully, she would eventually come to see that she was sincere because she was still there and she still wanted the chance to work things out. The idea was that eventually the husband would have to admit that if she didn’t love him and wasn’t putting the marriage first, she wouldn’t still be there, honest, ready, willing, and able to do the work necessary to save this. marriage when he was ready to do so.

The idea is to show her that she really meant it and did exactly what she said she would. Over time, this would begin to show her husband that she could believe and trust what she was saying and the claims he was making.