Without a doubt, the most valuable and practical thing that I have learned about the psychology of relationships and how to make them work was about 12 months ago when I was introduced to Transactional Analysis. I suggest that if you study this and acquire the skill, you cannot help but improve your most emotional relationships.

Now, imagine that you are in a conflict situation with someone you love or, on the contrary, with someone you cannot stand. It is an emotional situation; both are at a fever pitch. Who surrenders? Nobody does it in these kinds of situations. And that is the problem. Usually you never get anywhere in an emotionally charged atmosphere. At least one person loses, and sometimes both parties lose.

That is the goal of transactional analysis. It is simply a matter of understanding the basics of “adult” versus “child” behavior; however, be clear about this; the terms “adult” and “child” have absolutely nothing to do with a person’s age. Is about maturity. Have you ever noticed a 14-year-old who seems more mature and down-to-earth than a 60-year-old? Happens.

The fundamental principle is this: when you choose to communicate only through the “adult” mode of communicationNo matter how the other person communicates, force maturity in the dialogue, although with total respect for the other party. Usually, an emotional conversation sees both parties “parents” on the “child’s side” of the other: the injured child in each one of us. In this way, they both get offended because no one likes to be “raised”, especially adults. It becomes a vicious cycle where both of you take turns parenting, only to be offended by the other because they are treated like children.

The “adult” way of communicating and acting, on the other hand, is represented by behavior that is realistic, responsible, rational, reasonable and logical. This means that you won’t have everything your way, but you will be able to keep a discussion on track and negotiate a win-win outcome in most, if not all situations. When the other party sees you behaving this way, with respect, they can’t help but reciprocate because all defenses are down. So both parties should be able to achieve what is important to them, as far as possible, and still find a compromising position for the other.

I advise young people to do this with their parents, especially when the parents get excited and want to assert their authority in an authoritative (non-authoritarian) way. They should follow it and try to be realistic, responsible, rational, reasonable and logical. In fact, they will influence their parents through basic respect, taking away the power of the emotional state of mind. Of course, this is the way parents should also deal with their young children, especially since teenagers seem to command respect, even when (by virtue of their behavior) it is not really deserved. For both parties it is advisable to behave in this way, not only for the relationship, but also for their own inner peace and sanity. There is simply no need for all the stress.

The truth is this: no adult behaves like an adult all the time; all adults behave like children sometimes. And while it is difficult for teens to behave like adults, it is not impossible. Respect is very helpful, and my experience suggests that consistent, respectful parenting works wonders.

The same goes for labor relations. If you feel your blood start to boil or your heart pound with adrenaline when a particular person approaches you, take heart and try to be realistic, responsible, rational, reasonable and logical, no matter how they interact with you. Be consistent and don’t give up. After days, weeks, and months of this non-reactive behavior, you will eventually see a change in the way this person interacts with you. You may be being bullied or harassed, but you can regain some control and power simply by being more “adult.” It is a very enriching piece of information and a great skill to develop.

It takes courage to try, rejecting your feelings instead of keeping control of your emotions and saving your ability to think effectively, and it also takes persistence to master. It takes years to really master it, but you don’t have time to waste getting started.

The following is standard advice that I would give to a teenager who is trying to implement this better way of relating to parents:

It is better to be treated like an adult. This makes us feel happier and more respected.

Try to treat others like adults – respect others as much as possible.

You cannot behave like a child and expect a parent / peer / teacher to treat you like an adult.

To behave more like an adult you words and tone It must be without emotion; If you feel emotions rising, try delaying saying or doing something.

About mistakes and forgiveness …

If you make a mistake and lose control, it is not the end of the world. Try to have the courage to ask for forgiveness and, at the right time, ask for forgiveness. Also, forgive yourself.

If someone else makes a mistake with you, try to have a forgiving attitude towards that person; Try not to be emotional in response.

Wherever this says “try”, remember that no one is perfect. We all have bad days. We seek progress, not perfection. Grace covers the rest. Do not give up.

Keep thinking positively.

© Steve J. Wickham, 2008. All rights reserved worldwide.