Almost everyone wants to fall in love, especially codependents. For us, love is perhaps the highest ideal, and relationships give meaning and purpose to our lives. They live and motivate us. A partner provides a companion when we have difficulty initiating action on our own. Being loved also validates our sense of self-worth, overcomes shame-based doubts about our kindness, and eases our fears of loneliness. But very often a beautiful romance turns sour. What was a wonderful dream turns into a painful nightmare. Mrs. Perfect or Mr. Right becomes Mrs. or Mr. Wrong. The unconscious is a powerful force. Reason does not seem to prevent us from falling in love, nor does it make it easier to leave! Even when the relationship turns out to be toxic, once you get together, breaking up is as hard as falling in love was easy!

The chemistry of romance and falling in love

Our brains are wired to fall in love, to feel the bliss and exhilaration of romance, to enjoy pleasure, and to bond and procreate. Feel-good neurochemicals flood the brain at every stage of lust, attraction, and attachment. In particular, dopamine provides natural feelings of euphoria and ecstasy that can be as addictive as cocaine. The deeper feelings are assisted by oxytocin, the “cuddle hormone,” released during orgasm. It is directly related to bonding and increases trust and loyalty in romantic ties.

The psychology of romantic love: who we find attractive

Psychology also plays a role. Our self-esteem, mental and emotional health, life experiences, and family relationships influence who we are attracted to. Experiences, both positive and negative, affect our choices and make someone seem more or less attractive. For example, we may find common ground attractive, but avoid someone who cheated on an ex if that has happened to us before. We are drawn to subtle, yet subconscious, physical attributes that remind us of a family member. More mysteriously, we may be attracted to someone who shares emotional and behavioral patterns with a member of our family. even before they become apparent.

The ideal stage of romance

It is true that we are blinded by love. Healthy idealization is normal and helps us fall in love. We admire our beloved, we are willing to explore our partner’s interests, and we accept their idiosyncrasies. Love also brings out parts of our personality that were asleep. We may feel more masculine or more feminine, more empathetic, generous, hopeful, and more willing to take risks and try new things. In this way, we feel more alive, because we have access to other aspects of our ordinary or restricted personality. Also, on first dates, we are generally more honest than in the future when we get involved in the relationship and fear that speaking our truth may precipitate a breakup.

While healthy idealization doesn’t prevent us from seeing serious warning signs of trouble, if we’re depressed or have low self-esteem, we’re more likely to idealize a potential partner and overlook signs of trouble, such as lack of confidence or addiction, or accept disrespectful or abusive behavior. The neurochemicals of romance can lift our depressed mood and feed codependency and love addiction when we seek a relationship to end our loneliness or emptiness. When we lack a support system or are unhappy, we can rush into a relationship and quickly become attached before we really know our partner. This is also known as “rebound love” or a “transitional relationship” after a breakup or divorce. It is much better to recover from a breakup first.

The ordeal stage of romance

After the initial ideal stage, which usually begins after six months, we enter the ordeal stage as we learn more things about our partner that we don’t like. We discover habits and defects that we dislike and attitudes that we believe to be ignorant or unpleasant. In fact, some of the same traits that drew us in now bother us. We used to like our partner to be warm and friendly, but now we feel left out at social gatherings. We admire his boldness and determination, but we learned that he is rude and narrow-minded. We were charmed by his carefree spirit, but now we’re drawn in by his unrealistic spending. We were captivated by his expressions of unfettered love and a promised future, but we found that he doesn’t understand the truth.

Also, as the high wears off, we start to revert to our ordinary selves, just like our partner. We don’t feel as expansive, loving and selfless. At first, we may have tried hard to please him, but now we complain that our needs are not being met. We’ve changed, and we don’t feel so wonderful, but we want those blissful feelings back.

Two things happen next that can damage relationships. First, now that we are attached and fear losing or upsetting our partner, we repress our feelings, desires, and needs. This puts up walls to intimacy, the secret sauce that keeps love alive. Instead we withdraw and build resentments. Our feelings can be manifested on the side with sarcasm or passive aggression. As romance and idealization fade, the second fatal mistake is to complain and try to make our partner who we idealized them to be in the first place. We feel cheated and disappointed that our partner is now behaving differently than at the beginning of the relationship. He or she is also reverting to their ordinary personality which may include less effort to win you over and satisfy your needs. Our partner will feel controlled and resentful and may walk away.

In some cases, we may discover serious problems: that our partner has an addiction, mental illness, or is abusive or dishonest. These are issues that require a serious commitment to change, and often years of therapy to overcome. Many codependents, who get involved quickly for the reasons mentioned above, will sacrifice their own happiness and continue in a relationship for years trying to change, help, and fix their partner. Dysfunctional family dynamics from their childhood are often repeated in their marriages or relationships. They may be unconsciously contributing to the problem, because they are reacting to an abusive or controlling parent. Change requires healing our past and overcoming shame and low self-esteem in order to feel worthy of love and appreciation.

Getting to the real deal

We may not want to continue a relationship that involves addiction or abuse or has other serious problems. Lacking major hurdles, going from trial to real deal requires self-esteem, courage, acceptance, and assertiveness skills. It requires the ability to talk honestly about our needs and wants, share feelings, compromise, and resolve conflict. Instead of trying to change our partner, our efforts are better focused on learning to accept them. (This does not mean accepting the abuse.) This is the fight for intimacy, and it requires a commitment from both partners to go through the testing phase with mutual respect and a desire to make the relationship work.

Steps you can take for lasting love

We will attract someone who treats us the way we expect to be treated. As we value ourselves more, who we are attracted to will also change, and we will naturally avoid someone who does not treat us well or meet our needs.

1. Know yourself, your needs, desires and limits.
2. Take the time to get to know the person you are dating. Learn who they really are and how they both resolve conflict.
3. Remember that sex releases oxytocin and increases bonding (although it can happen without it).
4. Be honest from the start. Don’t hide who you are, including your needs. Talk when you don’t like something.
5. Talk honestly about what you want and your expectations in a relationship. If the other person doesn’t want the same things, she’s done with it. (This may not be easy, but the relationship would not have worked out or satisfied you.)
6. Research shows that relationship outcomes are predictable based on the partners’ self-esteem. Self-esteem is essential for healthy relationships. It also allows you to receive love and feel repulsed by the abuse.
7. Boundaries and intimacy are essential to relationships. Learn to be assertive in expressing your feelings, needs, and wants, and set limits.

©DarleneLancer 2018