Falling in love usually happens to us before we really know our partner. It happens to us because we are at the mercy of unconscious forces, commonly known as “chemistry.” Do not judge yourself for loving someone who does not treat you with care and respect, because when the relationship becomes abusive, you are attached and want to maintain your connection and love. There may be early signs of abuse that were missed, because abusers are good at seducing and wait until they know we’re hooked before they show their true colors. By then, our love is cemented and does not die easily. It is difficult to leave an abuser, it is possible and even likely to know that we are not safe and still love an abuser. Research shows that even victims of violence experience seven incidents on average before leaving their partner permanently.

It can feel humiliating to stay in an abusive relationship. Those who don’t understand ask why we love someone abusive and why we stay. We don’t have good answers. But there are valid reasons. Our motivations are out of our awareness and control, because we are programmed to band together to survive. These instincts control our feelings and behavior.

Denial of abuse to survive
If we were not treated with respect in our family and have low self-esteem, we will tend to deny the abuse. We will not expect to be treated better than was controlled, demanded or punished by a parent. Denial doesn’t mean we don’t know what’s going on. Instead, we downplay or rationalize it and/or its impact. We may not realize that it is actually abuse. Research shows that we deny survival in order to stay together and procreate for the survival of the species. Facts and feelings that would normally undermine love are minimized or distorted so that we overlook them or blame ourselves in order to continue loving. By appeasing our partner and connecting with love, we stop suffering. Love is rekindled and we feel safe again.

Projection, Idealization, and Repetition Compulsion
When we fall in love, if we haven’t gotten over our childhood trauma, we are more likely to idealize our partner when we date. We are likely to look for someone who reminds us of a parent with whom we have unfinished business, not necessarily our parent of the opposite sex. We might be attracted to someone who has aspects of both parents. Our unconscious is trying to make amends for our past by reliving it in the hope that we will master the situation and receive the love that we did not receive as children. This helps us miss signs that could predict trouble.

The cycle of abuse
After an episode of abuse, there is often a honeymoon period. This is part of the Cycle of Abuse. The abuser may seek a connection and act romantically, apologetically, or remorsefully. Regardless, we’re relieved there’s peace for now. We believe in promises that it will never happen again, because we want to and because we are programmed to stick with it. The breaking of the affective bond feels worse than the abuse. We long to feel connected again. Often the abuser professes to love us. We want to believe it and feel calm about the relationship, hopeful and lovable. Our denial provides an illusion of security. This is called the “Carousel” of denial that occurs in alcoholic relationships after a drinking episode followed by promises of sobriety.

Low self-esteem
Due to low self-esteem, we believe in the abuser’s contempt, blame, and criticism, further lowering our self-esteem and confidence in our own perceptions. They intentionally do this for power and control. We are brainwashed into thinking we have to change for the relationship to work. We blame ourselves and try harder to meet the abuser’s demands. We may interpret sexual advances, scraps of kindness, or simply the absence of abuse as signs of love or hope that the relationship will improve. Thus, as our self-confidence declines, our idealization and love for an abuser remain intact. We may even doubt that we can find something better.

Empathy for the abuser
Many of us feel empathy for the abuser, but not for ourselves. We are not aware of our needs and we would be ashamed to ask for them. This makes us susceptible to manipulation if an abuser plays the victim, exaggerates blame, shows remorse, blames us, or talks about a troubled past (they usually have). Our empathy feeds our denial system by providing justification, rationalization, and minimization of the pain we endure. Most hide the abuse from friends and relatives to protect victims from the abuser, both out of empathy and shame at having been abused. Secrecy is wrong and gives the abuser more power.

Positive aspects
Without a doubt, the abuser and the relationship have positive aspects that we enjoy or miss, especially the early romance and the good times. We remember or await its recurrence if we stay. We imagine that if he or she controlled her anger, or agreed to get help, or just changed one thing, everything would be better. This is our denial.

Abusers are also often good providers, offer a social life, or have special talents. Narcissists can be extremely interesting and charming. Many spouses state that they enjoy the narcissist’s company and lifestyle despite the abuse. People with a borderline personality can light up your life with excitement…when they’re in a good mood. Sociopaths can pretend to be anything you want…for their own ends. You won’t realize what they’re doing for some time.

Intermittent Reinforcement and Trauma Bonding
When we receive occasional and unpredictable intermittent positive and negative reinforcement, we keep looking for the positive. It keeps us addictively hooked. Partners may be emotionally unavailable or have an avoidant attachment style. They may periodically desire closeness. After a wonderful and intimate evening, they pull away, shut down, or are abusive. When we don’t know anything about the person, we get anxious and keep looking for closeness. We mislabel our bread and longing as love.

Especially people with a personality disorder might do this intentionally to manipulate and control us with rejection or withholding. They then randomly satisfy our needs. We become addicted to looking for a positive answer. With time, periods of abstinence are longer, but we are trained to stay, walk on eggshells and wait and hope for connection. This is called “traumatic bonding” because of the repeated cycles of abuse in which the intermittent reinforcement of reward and punishment creates emotional bonds that resist change. It explains why abusive relationships are the hardest to leave and we become co-dependent on the abuser. We can completely lose ourselves trying to please and not displease the abuser. Bits of kindness or closeness feel even more poignant (like make-up sex) because we’ve been hungry and relieved to feel loved. This feeds the Cycle of Abuse.

The abusers will activate the charm if you threaten to leave, but it’s just another temporary plot to reassert control. Expect to go through the retreat after you leave. You may still miss and love the abuser.

When we feel completely under the control of the abuser and cannot escape physical harm, we can develop “Stockholm Syndrome”, a term applied to captives. Any act of kindness or even the absence of violence feels like a sign of friendship and care. The abuser appears less threatening. We imagine that we are friends and can love the abuser, believing that we are in this together.

This occurs in intimate relationships that are less dangerous due to the power of chemistry, physical attraction, and sexual bonding. We are loyal to satiety. We want to protect the abuser to whom we are attached rather than ourselves. We feel guilty talking to strangers, leaving the relationship, or calling the police. Outsiders who try to help feel threatened. For example, counselors and Twelve Step Programs can be seen as outsiders who “want to brainwash us and separate us.” This reinforces the toxic bond and cuts us off from help…what the abuser wants!

steps you can take
If you feel stuck in a relationship or can’t get over your ex:

Seek support and professional help. Look forward to CoDA meetings.
Get information and challenge your denial.
Report violence and take steps to protect yourself from violence and emotional abuse.
When you miss the abuser or crave attention, substitute in your mind for the parent you are projecting onto your partner. Write about and mourn that relationship.
Be more loving with yourself. Meet your needs.
Learn to set limits.
Take steps to improve the relationship using Dealing with a Narcissist… and Difficult People.
Get breakup recovery and how to boost your self esteem.

©Darlene Lancer 2019